Now I am really…

After reading the previous words about staying and leaving, I felt immensely guilty about having shared what I felt, and urged to erase everything related to me, but than I took sometime to consider a few things, that I wanna share…

In the past few years I became a mad person, not a crazy libertine, but a demented man, lost in a myriad of feelings and irrational actions, that I couldn’t see the cause or seek any solution, specially because what was directing my searching was the very cause of my madness, US, and by that I mean, me loving you and not wanting to hurt you, but in a mad way.

So once I decided that if I scratched you from my life, part of my madness would go numb, and I would be able to understand what greater set of things made so demented. Than I realized that I created my demented condition, as an justification for the actions of hurting you, and those very actions, were a result of what became even clearer, my struggle not to change.

I realized what infinitum feels like, and what made me so afraid of it, and how YOU represented it. I used to live my life like everything was already determined to end at some point, so at the first of sight of a crack in the walls of my life, was interpreted as the final warning for the unavoidable end.

This mechanism, this great mechanism of defense, that my mind fabricated so all the things I went through in my life, wouldn’t affect me, this was against the very core of life, it was against living by FAITH. Yes, faith, that blind feeling that things will become great in time, living by faith, is like believing that what you live for doesn’t end or start, it goes on, and you go on with it, so you don’t quit, you can’t quit the infinity of life.

Once I realized that, I learned what is compromise. With you, it was a leash, that I never had worn in my life. I was as free as possible, free of conscience as well, since it was ok to finish anything at any point, it was only natural. Than you came and was ok too, because there was no reason to interfere with my uncompromising, until you saw what it really was, the first time we broke up. I never felt so strange, it used to be so simple, like when there was nothing to look back, but then, I would look back, and I felt, FELT SOMETHING, that was too much, I needed to come back.

But now you were in pieces, my mechanism of defense had destroyed you. So we started to dismantle it. Oh, we should never have done it without adults, that scissor was sharp. Every bit I opened up, every mask I threw away, every armor that I put out, came with feelings, feelings much bigger than me, I never had handled such things…

I needed to stay firm, you had a list of exigences, a schedule, I never had followed one, but I needed to, otherwise I would hurt you. That, that became a vice, I decided that if I followed the schedule I wouldn’t hurt you, and everything else was ok, I incorporated the routine as part of my mechanism of defense, and you noticed, and you kept pushing me, and I kept fighting back, not understanding why I was hurting you! I had compromised! We had the schedule!

Then I couldn’t take any longer, I was constantly hurting you, you were constantly asking me to give you a bit of my self, and I felt like I was doing what I could, and that was driving me insane. When I decided to give my self away completely, I was so reckless, I than became a demented person, really, I simply destroyed the core of all my defenses and felt everything at the same time, EVERYTHING, for the first time I felt the weight of my family, my childhood, my friends, the decisions I made and there was you, my first and only love, you kinda got lost among the Tsunami, sorry.

So when I abruptly ended things, I rushed to find comfort in the life I lived before we met, and there was none, I couldn’t no longer disassociate my self from my commitments, my college, my projects, I realized that those things didn’t have a programmed end, nothing had, I started to see what I liked in life, I liked those things that were endless! The infinite things. I learned how to compromise!

By than I had gastritis and couldn’t sleep, because, you were infinite too. But I decided that you were past, so, the experienced could be infinite, but the US part, had an end. Everything was fine, controlled, your very decision of disappearing, helped me. Until I discovered something that dropped the coin, and there it was, I steel love you, the losing you became real, and how! And now i realize, my love is infinite, but you must go.

You never wanted to go without an answer, here is the best I can give you. Please, be happy! And sorry for insisting to show up, and for saying what I feel, but feeling guilty in advance, for whatever I thought about doing, made me so confuse and made me do so much worse, that sharing what I think and letting you decide what to do with it, sounds much wiser.

I think that I might be able to let go now, and you, little blonde, jump out of the swing! Don’t be afraid, life will be great =)

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