You make me sick…
April 11, 2010
The drifting, the far gone feeling of letting go. I could simply give it away open handed, but my soul won’t respond to my rationality, not any longer.
Once I deceived perception by prohibiting myself from saying what I really felt, felt sooner than expected, even if I didn’t know what I felt, or even, if I could really feel a thing. But I can’t scape from reminding you, I’m trapped in a chapter, that became a book, became a biography. Not saying, not reminding, it is like denying my own past, I can’t deceive anything, I can’t vanish with your existence, because it is like I don’t exist without the memories of you.
But that is just the paradox of the us, I couldn’t either exist with you, the us was real, but I wasn’t present as a single part, and our everlasting, overall coexistence was shadowing, sucking the singularities that made me real.
When I thought about it, it felt impossible that I could build everything again, no one would stand in front of the cards’ castle of my experiences, trust felt like an issue if I was saying the truth, I was awfully insane and destructive, and only you could sometimes control the beast.
But no, I was just miserable, nowadays I can control my act, I can re-interpret my experiences and share it, I know I could love again, and maybe love fully like I did with you, but the question is, would you still be there? Because you have never left my heart.
